The Wedding Yentas is so excited to bring back another edition of a wedding advice column, Yenta-quette, featuring questions and answers about wedding etiquette from a Los Angeles foodie, social butterfly, and former Real Weddings bride, Desiree Jacobs.
Desiree, more than anything, enjoys coming home from work and putting on pajamas. She loves to eat Mexican food and sushi (not together) and couldn’t live without chocolate. She’s got a penchant for reality tv and 90s music. She lives with her husband Richard and the cutest dog that ever lived, Breaker. She wears a size 7 shoe and would love the entire current Sam Edelman collection and black Louboutains. Feel free to send them her way! Oh and Kate Spade bags are also appreciated. If you love Yenta-quette and you’re like, “I NEED MORE OF THAT” visit her blog at www.bundtsofsteelblog.com. Need advice? You are encouraged to submit questions for Desiree to firstname.lastname@example.org for a future edition of Yenta-quette.
My mother-in-law to-be is wearing a really bright color that clashes with everything. It looks like she’s trying to take all the attention and make it about her. My mom is wearing a neutral dress, which is fine with me. Is there anything I can do to tell her to choose a different dress?
This question makes me really sad because I know so many girls face problems like this with their in-laws and their own parents. I’ve heard this in terms of the dress choices and in terms of others trying to steal your thunder and show you up. There’s just something about weddings that brings out a little bit of crazy for a lot of people. I had a similar situation in my own wedding where someone (not a parent, but someone who would be in pictures) wanted to wear a red dress (not a color that fit in with my color scheme in the least). She had my mother-in-law ask me how I felt about this in advance. I wasn’t thrilled with her choice to wear a red dress, but I didn’t want to tell her no and look demanding, but I was very bothered with this situation. I chose to tell her she could wear whatever she pleases. I realized that it says more about her (the red dress wearer) than it does about me. No one will hold you accountable for their poor fashion choices, it’s a reflection of them. This is the kind of thing that will probably irritate you leading up to your wedding day, but you probably won’t really care on the actual day. In the end, all you’re left with are the pictures of your wedding day, and you will probably only order pictures to display that are of you and your husband and you never need to look at her clashy dress choice again! I’ll let you in on a little secret too: no one is looking at her; all eyes are actually on you that day.
If you really can’t get past this one and your fiance agrees with you, let him handle it. It’s his mother and if he sees things your way, let it be his beast of burden, and don’t you worry your pretty little head about it.
(In case you’re wondering about how the red dress went over at my wedding, because I’m sure you are on the edge of your seat about such crucial information, I will fill you in! I saw her walk into the hotel wearing the red dress while we were taking pictures. I didn’t even care at the time, but luckily the stars aligned and she changed into a classic black dress. The change was appreciated and I didn’t even have to say anything to her about it. Win win!)
My bridesmaids are not really that enthusiastic about my wedding. No one has mentioned a bachelorette party yet and my aunt is hosting the shower because they didn’t step up to the plate. Should I say anything? I feel like I can’t approach this situation without sounding like a bridezilla even though I feel it’s not bridezilla-like.
To start, I’m really sorry your bridal party isn’t more supportive, excited, and ready to step up to the plate in ways you were hoping. You don’t sound like a bridezilla; you sound like you are just looking for a little support and for others to do the traditional activities that help make the months leading up to your wedding more special. It’s an important time in your life and you really do deserve all those things. The question of who hosts a bridal shower seems to get different answers depending on who you ask. In my circle, showers are typically hosted by friends or family of the mother of the bride or mother-in-law rather than the bride’s friends. I know this isn’t how it works everywhere, but this has just been my experience. I was upfront with my bridesmaids about my expectations of them and I think it’s really important to be clear with them for your peace of mind and so they know what they are in for when they accept that honor. I think you’ll feel better if you have a little heart to heart with your girls. I would suggest starting with your maid of honor. She can take the lead in encouraging the other girls to step up in a way you two are comfortable with. You aren’t being a bridezilla; you simply want the girls who mean the most to you to be excited for you and be more participatory. That’s not too much to ask if you ask nicely.
I always break out in a sweat when I drink alcohol so on the morning of the wedding, I want to do a toast with my girls but Champagne will make me tipsy and hot. What other suggestions do you have for bridesmaid bonding on the morning of the wedding?
We can’t have any bridal sweating going on for you, so let’s toss the Champagne bottles straight out the door… for you anyway. I wouldn’t recommend going out for brunch; that is a time killer! It’s nice to provide some kind of breakfast or brunch for your girls and having a girly meal together is a great way to bond. If you’re at a hotel, they can provide a little nosh and maybe some colorful juices to start the day off on a well-nourished foot. Perhaps you have a close family friend or relative who can bring breakfast to you all while you get ready at your house or venue. People are happy to help, so don’t be scared to ask. Since the day of your wedding tends to get pretty hectic pretty quickly, don’t get caught up in taking on too much in the morning. You’ll want to get a head start on getting extra gorgeous, so do something low key. Take advantage of what you already have planned for that day and find ways to make the necessary bullets on your to-do list a little more special. Nothing brings girls together like a good meal! Another opportunity for girl bonding on the morning of your wedding is when you present your bridesmaids with a little gift to say thank you for being in your wedding. That’s a sweet part of the day and you can turn it into a really special moment.
On the morning of my wedding, my girls, the moms, and I got our hair done together at a salon near the hotel. We brought in bagels, fruit, and other treats. The salon also played a wedding themed movie which really added extra ambiance and got everyone in the mood to celebrate. I definitely recommend doing something like this as it was so fun to see the girls go from their everyday to wedding ready looks and get pampered together. Don’t forget to have someone take pictures!
What do you do if you find out your bridesmaids are saying mean things behind your back or are not being cooperative throughout the wedding planning time?
I’m a firm believer that you should always try to make things work with any relationship before cutting it off and rarely advise in ending relationships off the bat, but I have to say this is one of those situations that is unacceptable.
As a Yenta, I know we all enjoy a little gossip now and then and sometimes this comes from a place of love and sometimes it does not. It’s the latter of these that is behavior you should not have to tolerate from people who claim to love you, support you, and are going to participate in your wedding. I really think the root of the issue comes from a place of jealousy from bridesmaids in these situations. It’s safe to say we’ve all experienced a pang of jealousy in our day and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Where this starts to get out of hand is when you inappropriately respond to that jealousy and take it out on others. Keep your green monsters to yourselves, ladies! The time leading up to a wedding is definitely special and exciting, but it’s also stressful in a way that you could never have imagined. You don’t need any added stress and cutting your losses might not be the worst idea. Unfortunately, this situation calls for some action: an honest conversation with the perpetrators of girl code is in order and asking them if they really want to be in your bridal party or if they would rather come as a guest. Let them know you are comfortable with it if they would prefer to back out of the bridal party. This will definitely be emotional for you and I’m sure your feelings WILL be hurt, but I think you’ll also feel a tremendous sense of relief. It is such an honor to be a part of someone’s wedding day in any capacity, but the girls who stand up there with you are girls you will never forget and you want those memories to be positive ones. I think this is a last resort situation and will probably test your friendship and may cause more stirs of gossip, but when it’s all said and done, you don’t want to look at pictures of the girl(s) who caused to so much pain.